Of Being Single

I want to share a few thoughts on being single. I mean being single after the typical Indian marriageable age. For most Indian communities “marriageable age” passes once you cross late 20s and early 30s. It has now been a few years since I wrote my ‘How To Be Awesome By 30‘ post, so can safely say that have I crossed the marriageable age. 😉

I have been a happy single girl – traveling, entrepreneur-ing and generally exploring life all this while. And it has been some time since I told my family and friends that I was not interested in marriage. Anyway I don’t fit the social mold, and I am very dedicated to my spiritual lifestyle.

It helps that my guru Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev very clearly suggests that a significant population can and should remain single, because they wouldn’t feel the need to get into marriage. (As they feel reasonably complete within themselves. Not because they cannot commit)

Single Because Complete. Not Because Non-Committal.

This is a very big difference. When a person feels reasonably complete within and doesn’t need to depend on someone else intimately then marriage is unnecessary. But if physical, emotional or even logistical needs are strong then marriage makes good sense. And a happy marriage can bring a lot of pleasure and stability to life.

There is now a trend about not marrying because of commitment issues. And often it is touted as a great, ‘liberal’ thing to do by some groups.

The Problems with Not Committing

This blog is primarily a place I articulate my deeper thoughts. It is not to throw my opinions in your face nor to give gyaan. So if you sit in front of me and tell me that,

“I think humans are not made just to be with one person. They are fundamentally polygamous animals. And so they should have multiple partners. So I don’t believe in marriage” (this actually happened while I was meeting a fellow student for lunch) 😀

So in this case, I will just nod my head or smile. Because it is fine – you can think whatever you like. And I don’t necessarily get into discussions or arguments especially when they become opinionated or intellectual.

The best way to live life I have found is in a deep and committed way. Not necessarily to a person.

I spend time on what I really care about. I find fulfilment and joy in the activities I indulge in. Boredom isn’t normal. Need for entertainment is reduced.

So Firstly,

All these: experiencing deep joy and fulfilment, reduced/no boredom and reduced need for entertainment are some of the parameters to gauge your spiritual progress.

When need for entertainment has reduced & boredom is not there in your life. And you are spending your time on activities which are really meaningful and deeply joyful. Where is the question of flippant partners or casual sex?

And Secondly,

Also over the years I have come to see that there is something beautiful in a family structure where you accept a person despite seeing their worst. It is important to find your space amongst all of this and ensure that you don’t lose your sense of well being. But knowing that I am always welcome in the homes of family people despite so many differences and often completely opposing thoughts – this is beautiful and relaxing. And everyone should have this.

And Thirdly,

ऋणानुबंध . Creating body memories. Karmic bondage.

So due to these three reasons I think,

deep, committed relationship >> (much better than) >> frivolous, flippant relation

But Why No Relationship?

When talking about bhramacharya / monks / nuns with a couple of my ‘intellectual’ friends. They came up with the question,

Why would anyone not want to have sex?

(Yea, the ‘intellectual’, urban crowd)

Usually I have two answers:

Firstly,

This question hasn’t come to my mind. So I don’t need an answer for this. (There is a story behind this thought. But basically it means that the questions that arise in your mind are your burden. You will have to find those answers or your mind may remain restless. But answering questions popped by everyone else need not be your burden. It is their burden. Leave it to them.)

And Secondly,

The moment I say bhramacharya a lot of these people think of ‘no sex’. I have written earlier also how this is a consequence of the lust and sex drunk social world that human society is. Big money is being thrown in this direction too via movies, marketing, advertisements and so on. And so when we talk of one of India’s most ancient spiritual tradition where a person wears ochre robes, begs alms, gives up most material pleasures including even a mattress – the only thing people can exclaim is “No Sex?!”

Slow claps for you, my friends who came up with this question. 🙂

So to answer the question I raised, “Why No Conjugal Relationship?”

Simplicity.

And for a funny break in our rhetoric…..

Here’s Sadhguru on marriage….

& this one also,